daily thought log

12/27/2023 ; 12:21AM

merry (belated) christmas! or happy holidays! whichever one you prefer.

wow! what a wonderful couple of days it's been! i know it's been a minute since my last entry, but i really want to talk about the awesome epic holiday weekend i had this week! saturday was my time to go last minute shopping for christmas gifts, and also to get some crickets for my praying mantis named homunculus. which, in going to the reptile store, i left with another praying mantis! this one is a giant asian green mantis, who for now is named giant duck smash. he's super cool and i'm enjoying keeping him! that night we went to go see some christmas lights at this one person's house and that was nice. it's literally just some person's house that they just open up for people to come and walk around in, it's cute!

anyway, sunday was christmas eve! me and N went to their parent's house for dinner, and mochi came along too and made friends with all the doggies there. it took a minute to get everyone friendly with each other, but it was worth it in the end because it was so cute watching them all play together. we went on a hike behind their house, and oh boy... it was so muddy. me and mochi got absolutely COVERED in red mud and sludge, it was awful. needless to say, she needed to take a bath desperately. but anyway, that got done and then we headed home!

christmas morning we made cinnamon buns for breakfast! we woke up pretty late so we were in a hurry to get over to N's parent's house for christmas to open some gifts. i got so many wonderful little things, and i feel really blessed to have had such an awesome christmas! i got N some things and also made them a little seal figurine which i'm so so so happy they loved! it was just a nice, cozy little christmas morning with lots of doggies and plenty of gifts! after that we decided to go on a walk at this park, which is actually what remains of the old downtown area which burned down! it was actually really foggy and gloomy, and it made it look like right out of a horror movie. i'm probably gonna make a nature entry with this, because i got a lot of reeeally good pictures on my camera here. the fog was really heavy, which (little did i know at the time) would be a very, very bad thing. christmas night finishes up, we eat dinner, play some games, and we open the door to leave... the HEAVIEST most DENSEST fog i have ever witnessed in my life. you couldn't even see the street. N's brother in law offered to drive slow so i could follow them, but once we got out to the highway, i was like "nope!" and turned around to go back to their parent's house. we ended up sleeping over, which was probably the best thing we could have done because the fog didn't clear until like noon today. luckily i was able to drive us back home early this morning and make it back on time to start work, but yeah. it's... been a long day today LOL.

really the only reason i'm writing this right now is because i'm sipping some hot chocolate and needed something to do while i did. but with that being said, i am very exhausted. i didn't sleep very well, and just the general anxiety you get when your routine is disrupted is just so tiring. luckily, i was able to get some time off for friday approved so i have an even shorter week, so that's something to look forward to.

sigh.... this weekend was really great. i think i may have mentioned this here before, but christmas and the general "holiday season" is not a time i really look forward to. between dysfunctional family and bad experiences, it's a time of year where i just kind of... put my head down, put a nice face, and bear until it passes. maybe i'm just saying this because it's the first year i've spent christmas on my own without my family, but it's the first christmas i've really felt appreciated and seen. N is a very big part of that, but also just... i don't know. i guess you notice how much shit you put up with when you're away from it. and you're like "damn, how did i get through that? why did i put up with that for so long?". which is a good question, but sometimes you really don't have a choice. this holiday has sort of renewed my faith in humanity a bit. made me believe just a little bit, that goodness and love and peace are possible. it feels so silly saying this because it's such a small thing in the grand scheme of things. but it feels really big to me. as someone that struggles with general nihilism and is actively trying to see the beauty in little things, it feels nice.

seeing the look on someone's face when they open a gift you spent hours working on, it just warms a piece of your soul. buying gifts is so hard, there's always that fear of whether they'll like it or not, or maybe they already have something like that, or they don't need it. it feels great knowing they genuinely enjoy something you got them and are thankful for it. that you made a good choice!

anyway, before i start getting too sentimental here, long story short the holiday was great. i'm looking forward to new years' and what that will bring. i've got some resolutions lined up that i really want to tackle, but for the most part next year is my year of rest. 2023 was a year of change and growth and literally leaping out of comfort zones. 2024 is going to be my year of peace, of growth, personal development, and grounding. nothing too crazy, but things to make it fun and keep me creative and growing.

okay i finished my hot chocolate so i guess that marks the end of this entry. i hope everyone had a great holiday and spent it with people they love!

12/18/2024 ; 9:56PM

it's finally looking like a white christmas around here! woke up this morning to the surprise of opening my windows and seeing it snowing outside! it's so windy too, it almost looks like a blizzard outside with how the snow is blowing around. i'm just happy we'll have SOME snow for christmas this weekend. which... isn't it crazy how it feels like december just started a couple days ago and now it's almost christmas?

anyway, this weekend was a lot of fun! friday i left early from work, and i'm glad i did because i ended up getting my period and feeling really sick for the rest of the night. N ordered some takeout from the local thai restaurant and we ate it here at my apartment which was really nice! i got the beef noodle soup which was delicious as always. saturday i spent most of the day vegetating on the couch playing red dead 2, i just felt way too awful to do much of anything else. nothing like sitting under a warm electric blankie to make you feel better! later in the night we got some christmas shopping done and got gifts for pretty much all the important family members! i struggle with buying gifts so much, but i'm pretty happy with the choices i made for everyone. i guess as long as i thought about them is what really counts right?

yesterday i made us a delicious breakfast of chocolate chip pancakes, scrambled eggs, and bacon which was SOOOO tasty. i hadn't had pancakes in forever and i just thought it was time. with that, we went to the next town over which is where N grew up! they took me around their hometown, showed all the cool little places they would go to as a kid, got pizza and ice cream, it was nice! we then went to this crazy little gift shop that has the world's largest running chainsaw! there was also a rock and mineral shop next to it which had the cooooolest gemstones and other neat things!

gonna make some chili for dinner today, maybe some cornbread too. need something warm and cozy to eat on this snowy day! last time i made it it came out amazingggg, so i'm excited about it! i've also been craving cornbread because i haven't made it in awhile... i haven't really made a bread in GENERAL in a minute. even though it's easy, the actual set-up and planning around it is a lot. but maybe i'll make one tonight...

so far i've been enjoying the holiday season. it feels nice to have someone to spend time with and share fun memories with. i don't think i've ever had such a connection to someone before, and it's exciting and nerve-wracking and euphoric all at the same time. someone that just... gets you and listens and understands! unrelated but there is a group of crows outside causing a ruckus and it's really funny.

anyway, that's pretty much it for now. hope this week at work is slow and easy in preparation for christmas. i need a chill week to just relax and get some things done. take some breaks between calls, do some chores around the house, prepare food. just an easy week. looking forward to this weekend and the fun we're gonna have! but yeah, that's all for now. goodnight everyone!

12/12/2024 ; 11:50AM

long time no write!

it's been a crazy couple weeks, but i'm glad i finally have some time to sit down and write an entry. soooo, i did originally have a trip to florida planned for this week, but long story short i had to cancel. my mom caught covid, my cousin has type B flu, so like. i wasn't even gonna see anyone that i wanted to see. even though i wasn't able to get a refund on my ticket, i'm just kind of relieved that i don't have to travel anymore. i was supposed to get like 3 connecting flights just to get to florida, so i really wasn't looking forward to it very much. i feel a little guilty cancelling, but all of that along with just a gut feeling telling me to NOT go was enough to get me to cancel everything. besides, winter is finally in full swing up here!

N and i had some plans to go to some winter markets this weekend and do some holiday shopping, maybe go to this tourist trap place to get my family some funny yooper themed gifts. and see the world's largest functional chainsaw! it'll just be a fun time over all so really looking forward to that! they said i could spend christmas with their family which really means a lot to me, especially since now i'm not gonna be able to visit my family for the holidays. really trying to embrace winter and the holidays, which is usually a time of year that i don't really look forward to. maybe now being in a new town, spending it with new people, maybe it could be different.

look at my christmas tree! it's a norfolk pine, so not really a christmas tree. but, unlike a christmas tree this will continue to live after christmas as a houseplant! so i'm really happy about that. gonna maybe make some decorations for around the apartment, some little snowflakes out of coffee filters, garlands out of acorns, that kind of fun stuff. i wanna go on a hike this weekend to see how some of my favorite places look now that there's snow everywhere!

sigh... it feels nice knowing someone is there for you. knowing that someone supports you in all of your endeavors and motivates you to be better and chase your dreams. that really, truly cares and you can feel it in their sincerity. it's such a breath of fresh air. not to get too sentimental, but meeting N has maybe been the greatest thing to happen to me since moving here. it's just been wonderful since meeting them, it makes me feel like i have this electricity running through me! i'm really excited about what the future holds and all the fun adventures we'll have together.

anyway, lots of fun things coming up! getting a haircut and root touch up next week, christmas and new years', we're going snowshoeing in january. so many cool winter activities and it's just exciting! apparently when the lake freezes over they open it up for ice skating! i don't think i've ever ice skated before, but i did rollerskate so maybe it's the same? granted, i wasn't very good at rollerskating in the first place but let's see...

but yeah, hopefully now that things are slowing down i can write here more and keep developing this. i wanna finish up at least ONE of the shrines to have just one of them be completed. i think that'll be my project for this week... anyway, i think i'm done for today. have a good day everyone!

11/24/2024 ; 10:40AM

happy belated thanksgiving everyone!

and happy belated birthday to ME!!! yesterday was so so so much fun. made breakfast for friend (we'll call them N) and i, made some green bean casserole to take to thanksgiving dinner, and headed out! funny enough, we took so long to make the beans and then we drove all the way to N's house and we FUCKING FORGOT THEM at my apartment! so we had to drive all the way back, get the beans, and then back to their house. but, it was a great time overall! plenty of delicious food and good company. very happy with how it went.

it's been a pretty great week overall, minus having to work! i am so sleepy and tired after all the food we ate yesterday that the last thing i wanna do today is work. but, such is capitalism. i hope today is really slow and chill so that it doesn't feel so miserable. tonight is gonna be a night of chilling and relaxing!

tomorrow i need to go pick up my birthday cake which i am very excited for! not sure what else i'm gonna do tomorrow though, maybe go to the pottery place in town and make a paw print ornament of mochi's paw? perhaps a little hike? ooh, i do think it's actually gonna snow this weekend so that's very exciting! it did kind of snow last night so there was a light dusting on like the cars and stuff but nothing like on halloween! so many things i can do so we shall see what happens...

finally enrolled for the orientation at school, so this is one step closer to finally starting school! funny it's taken me so long because it was the "reason" i moved up here in the first place. i always say school was the reason, but i think it's what i want myself to think so it feels more legitimate. school was always the means to the end, never the main goal. sure, the school up here is good and all and it's got a great anthropology program, but i didn't have to come all the way up here for a good school. plenty of good schools back in florida that i could have gone to. but again, something inside me just brought me out here and the only reason i can give for such a random turn of events is "oh i got accepted to a good school". this was something i needed to do and something that has changed my life immeasurably for the better. i couldn't be more happy with how things have turned out, and every day i feel more and more thankful.

anyway, overall it's been a nice week. happy that i had someone wonderful to spend it with, happy i got to eat some delicious food, happy i'm still alive and truckin'. here's to another year!

11/14/2024 ; 7:24PM

*dracula voice* good evening

another rollercoaster of emotions lately! mostly good ones, but still a rollercoaster. this weekend was a lot of fun! my friend and i ended up just calling it a night in and spending the night at my apartment to watch a movie and hang out. honestly weren't in the mood for the craziness at the bar that night. got pizza at 1AM and it was fun!

now sunday, is another story... my car broke down, yippeeeee! we were at the entrance to the trail and boom, my car just wouldn't turn on. thankfully someone coming back from the trail had jumper cables and was able to give my car a jump, so all was good. still very nerve-wracking though!

i know it's only tuesday but this week has already felt like it's been going by so slowly... i want the weekend to be here already! work has been so busy and i just need a break from it all.

and of course, the elephant in the room.... my birthday is next week. i am human and i age as the years go by. i'm gonna be 24 which is... really unbelieveable that i even made it this far. there were points in my life where i thought i wouldn't, so i guess you can say i'm happy about it. i've really been trying to be happy on my birthdays, because the trend in the past is that my birthday is always a sort of... just uncomfortable day. but i'm trying to change that. birthdays should be a day you celebrate that you're alive for yet another year. that you're in good health and live to see another year. i'm trying to reframe my thinking around it, but it's hard when every year has more or less been the same. i always cry on my birthday or the day before or after, so let's see if that still applies. i sure hope not!

anyway, so glad work is over for today. it's been so unnaturally busy this week so far. you would think the week before thanksgiving would be slow, but that is not the case i guess. i hope next week is though.

but yeah, that's all for today i guess. time to go shower and chill out with my heated blanket. goodnight!

11/9/2024 ; 11:14AM

good morning beautiful people of the internet.

i'm very happy today! the sun is shining, the weather is beautiful, things are just very nice today. don't you just love that feeling when everything just feels good and nice like there is peace on earth? there have been so many things happening in these past couple days and it just feels great to have things work out for you.

very excited for this weekend! my friend and i are gonna go to this bar in town where they play live music on the weekends, so that should be interesting. been wanting to go there for awhile because it's a cool bar and the beer is brewed in house so it's actually really tasty. looking forward to just sitting by the fire pit and having some good deep conversation.

maaaay make a beef stew this weekend? they ran out of stew meat at meijer when i last did groceries, but they did have a huge chuck roast that i got instead. lots of fat running through it so you already KNOW it's gonna be good. gotta get it defrosted and then chop it into pieces and boom. instant stew meat. i will definitely make some more entries in the cooking and nature pages, because i've been sort of neglecting them. i need to remember that i'm actually hosting my own pictures now so it's not gonna be as complicated to add pictures like it was before.

my apartment needs a good cleaning. sundays are usually my cleaning and housekeeping days, but i've been doing stuff on the weekends for the past couple weeks so i just haven't had the time! but definitely this weekend is the day i gotta do it. vaccuum, mop, clean the kitchen, bathroom, maybe do some laundry?

dreamy sigh. i don't know, maybe i've been smoking a little more than usual but things just seem so.... nice. and good. and kind. for once, i'm kind of excited about the future.

anyway, i leave you all with this. have the guts to be kind today. that's all.

maybe i'll write more later today? if not, then you already know. good morning, good evening, and goodnight.

11/8/2024 ; 5:43PM

they say that when one door closes, another opens. and that's so true. been really noticing the themes of growth and decay lately. it's like it follows me around. well, not follows me around, but it's the universal constant and i'm just so hyper-aware of it now. it's been a weird month already, but i guess that's just how life is lately.

last week a friend and i went to the art conference in town and it was a really fun time! attended some panels, spoke to a bunch of people, saw a bunch of art, listened to creators talk about their creative process. it was really eye opening and insightful, hearing how other creators deal with burn out and their processes in general. cecil baldwin (guy who does welcome to nightvale) was there too! he attended one of the workshops i was in, and it was cool to talk to him on a human to human level. afterwards we had some mexican food at this place in town i've been wanting to try, and it was great!

sunday we went on a hike with the mochster and it was really fun too! there were so many giant piles of leaves on the ground and mochi was having a blast running through them, getting the zoomies and just going crazy on the trail. we walked 7 miles that day! i definitely felt the soreness on monday, but it was worth it because it was great time just talking to someone out in nature and enjoying the nice weather. it's been kind of rainy and icy this week, not much light, fluffy snow anymore like on halloween. just a little yucky. but i hope the big piles of powdery snow return soon! i'm trying to build a snowman and make snow angels out here....

been pondering my projects and how to go about them. one of them i've been working on revamping and getting a clear, concise story out of which will be the first one i start. the second one still needs some more work and fleshing out, so that one will be after. essentially getting the fun, silly, wacky one out of the way so i can then put all my focus on the deep and serious one. not to say this first one will not be serious, but it is a little more.... whimsical and fantastical.

it's funny how life pulls you towards people. and also funny how life pulls you away from people, too. and the way it happens is always so... coincidental. i'm all about free will and maneuvering your own way through the world. but sometimes, things just happen that make you think you were meant to meet this person or do this thing or experience that thing. some things are just way too close to be simple coincidence. and once you do catch on to these coincidences, it can sometimes drive you a little crazy seeing how everything is connected to that. definitely don't want to sound like some conspiracy theorist or severely paranoid psychotic, but it's just interesting how things happen is all.

i leave you that to ruminate. goodnight!

11/3/2024 ; 11:12AM

can't believe it's finally november. my birthday month. and probably my favorite month of the year, not just because it's my birthday. fall is slowly creeping to an end, winter is coming, time to hunker down and enjoy the holidays and the people you care about. i love thanksgiving, so that's the biggest thing i'm looking forward to. not going to be home for thanksgiving, but i'm gonna do my best to make it homey and cozy on my own. may get a small turkey or even a whole chicken and make it for myself. make a small batch of sides like green beans, stuffing, sweet potatoes, regular mashed potatoes. and then i get my cake the weekend of thanksgiving (which my birthday lands on thanksgiving day this year which is fun). hopefully there will be plenty of snow to play in because if so, it'll be a perfect birthday. good food, good times, good company.

tonight i think i'm gonna make chili to have with some sour cream, tortilla chips, green onions.... oooo... tomorrow i have an action packed day, gotta run some errands in the morning and then a friend and i are gonna go to this art convention in town. there's these really cool panels going on that talk about different art methods and creativity. the panel technically starts today, but i work so i can't go. but the panels tomorrow look really interesting, like an introduction to bonsai panel and turning chaos into creativity. oh and the dude that does welcome to nightvale is gonna be there too, which is fun.

been working on this site for a good week or 2 now. i'm really happy with how things are going and how much i've learned. the other day css kind of just clicked for me? it was what i had the most trouble learning and what confused me the most. but after just messing around with it and seeing how it interacts with html, it just.... the wires connected in my brain and i finally got it. so i've been trying to get a little more wacky with the layout and things, which is fun. also working on the shrines, almost done with the first one so it should be live some time soon. idk, i'm not really sure how people do their shrines so i kind of just.... did my own thing? the first one will be live once i finish all the pages, but don't be surprised if a bunch of stuff changes in it eventually.

also been thinking about my projects lately. like the 2 main projects i've been working on for years. thinking about how i can implement them into the site, how to proceed with them, the story, the characters... it's something i really want to do, so it's something that's been on my mind for awhile, but just HOW to do it is what i'm conflicted on. webcomic? written story with illustrations? interactive media? those are the main concerns. i think i might go the written story with illustrations route just because it combines 2 medias i love to do. also won't be so much pressure to get the comic pages out in a timely manner.

anyway, not sure what else i'm gonna do this weekend. maybe go on a hike on sunday? i do need to clean though... i've been kinda lazy with cleaning my apartment for the past week and a half roughly. maybe i'll spend sunday cleaning and making it nicer in here. i also need to get rid of some clothes to make space for winter clothes like undershirts and jeans. there's a good thrift store in town that i haven't gone to in awhile so i might go there. who knows, it's a gamble what happens on sunday. i might not even do any of that.

well, i think that's it for now. may update later today if i have time? if not, peace.

10/31/2024 ; 12:05AM

man... what a couple of days it's been. rollercoaster of emotions, high and low, good and bad, bitter and sweet. new beginnings, old endings. life and death, growth and decay. that's all it comes down to in the end. the two constants in the universe. i guess it's kind of comforting knowing that everything in life follows these rules, but it doesn't make the death or decay part any less uncomfortable. but, from death comes life. in the body of a dead deer comes sustenance, growth, fuel, fertilizer. where once was spilled blood, now a patch of wildflowers.

anyway, enough of that now. been making lots of changes to the site. trying to make each of these pages a little more unique and spruce up the layout between pages. ideally, in the end i want each of these pages to be like their own little world. i've sort of started getting the hang of css and how it interacts with html (thanks w3schools.com), so i've been really playing around with things i can do. the little box on the home page with all my blinkies took me so damn long to figure out, but my god was it satisfying when i finally got it to work. so now that i feel like i can wield the power of css and html, i want to get a little more wacky. and that will start with the shrines!

finally got the shrine page up and running, and the first shrine is currently in the works. i'm really excited about theming the pages off of their respective topic, i have such big plans for them.... if i have time during the week while working, i'm definitely going to work on them. another thing i have planned is possibly breaking up the links page into multiple pages for each section. i tried doing the drop-down menus like i did here, but it doesn't seem to work with headings. so i think the best thing will be to make a separate page for each section like web resources, fun stuff, etc. and then have a little button to link back to the main links page. so that's another thing on the to-do list for the site.

currently writing this while sipping on some homemade golden milk i made last night (need to make another cooking entry for sure). it's really chilly outside right now, and tomorrow it's apparently going to snow! really excited for that, i can't wait to see it.

anyway, it's really past my bedtime and i still need to shower, so i'll end it here. goodnight everyone

3:43PM

do you ever have a really weird dream about someone? someone you haven't spoken to in years? someone who hurt you so tremendously, that you haven't spoken to them since. but in your dream they're interacting with you like nothing ever happened. it's just really strange and confuses me whenever it happens. does it mean that the other person is thinking about you? or is it your brain having flashbacks to that time? who really knows.

anyway, it's snowing today! this is my first time seeing real, actual, fresh fallen snow. i went outside with mochi to take her for a walk and it was so much fun. she was getting the zoomies running around in the snow, i was kicking it up and throwing snowballs at her. then she would try and dig up stuff in the snow. it's really fun so far! it's amazing having my window open while working and being able to watch the snow fall outside. it looks so beautiful and almost fake. unfortunately it's already melting, but it looks like we may be getting some more this weekend!

my power went out for like a split second, but then spectrum sent me a notification that there was an internet outage. so i had a nice little break from work while that was getting fixed. made myself some breakfast and just chilled out. work has been relatively slow, i've been doing an extra hour of overtime at the end of my shift to save up funds for a trip to visit home in december. need to save as much as i can to have money for all the things i need to do.

but, i think that's all i've got for now. might update again later?

10/23/2024 ; 11:05AM

does love mean nothing anymore?

do commitment and devotion mean nothing? does the time and care you put into another person not hold any value?

it's insane how you can rip yourself open to someone, let them see the ugliest parts of you, and it means absolutely nothing. you can put your full trust into someone and they not see the importance of it. it can fall apart in an instant. nothing is really sacred anymore. why?

it's funny how the more time i spend around people, the more i want to draw further and further away. it's like every day i get more reasons to dread our fate as a species on this earth. i always have hope, that someone will prove me wrong. and sometimes i think i do find someone that proves me wrong. but then, something happens that kind of just snaps me into reality and makes me think like "oh, okay, i was right again. silly of me to think otherwise". i know good people are out there in the world. some of you reading this may be some of those genuinely good people in the world. but, at least in my brief human experience, have not found someone who renews my hope indefinitely.

it hurts, it really does. to feel like you have no one. even worse, to think you finally found someone and they're just like everyone else.

10/7/2024 ; 10:31PM

i wish i had someone to dance around the fire with.

10/5/2024 ; 4:23PM

today was really beautiful in the morning. sunny, leaves falling, breezy, not a cloud in the sky. now? just got a severe thunderstorm warning for my area! really wish i wasn't working, this is the perfect weather to lay in bed and listen to the rain and thunder. i hope it's like this tonight, it was kind of rainy and thundering last night too.

this weekend there's a fall festival just outside town that i'm really excited to go to. there's gonna be live theatre, vendors, activities like divinators and tarot card reading, music, food. it just sounds like a really awesome time. it goes on until like midnight so i maaaaay be there the whole day? hopefully it doesn't rain.

my mom surprised me today by ordering me a bunch of groceries to my apartment. super blessed to have people helping me with groceries and things, at this rate i won't have to do groceries for another month. tomorrow mochi has a vet appointment in the morning before i start work, i thought she was sounding a little sniffly so better safe than sorry. may go to the thrift store in town on sunday, i need to start preparing and buying some winter clothes. i have 2 pairs of snow boots i'm looking to get on amazon, as well as some good gloves, thermal underwear, and thick socks. but i need some good undershirts and sweaters to layer up. my mom's boss gave me a bunch of winter coats that his mom didn't want anymore, so i have plenty of those.

so, super curveball here, but i think i may start a small like, photography business? maybe like pet portraits or just simple pictures of people in nature and stuff. i don't really know how to advertize myself locally up here, so i gotta look into that. but i'm gonna do some research and watch some youtube videos to get a better understanding of photography, lighting, camera settings, etc. but i think it would be a fun and kind of easy way to make some quick cash on the side on the weekend.

but yeah, idk what else to write about here for today. i'll try to be more consistent here but i've kind of been going through it lately. anyway, later people.

10/4/2024 ; 9:30PM

hello hello gay people

fall is in pretty full swing here in the UP and it is so beautiful. leaves are falling, the air is brisk, the trees are all shades of red, orange, and yellow. pumpkin patches and apple cider. i love this time of year, and even if i've never experience a full autumn before since i lived in florida, i've always loved the aesthetic. the warm colors, the coziness of layering up, halloween. what's not to love? it's come to the point where if you drive down the road you smell the warm, musky aroma of freshly chopped firewood. it's just so great.

my dad came to visit me on friday and just left back to florida today. i forget what it's like having people around you. especially in your personal space. it was nice having him over, we did some fun things like hike laughing whitefish falls (nature post coming soon on that) and eat out and cook at home. but after awhile, i really just needed my alone time back. he also got me a bunch of stuff like a couple groceries i needed, supplies for my car for the winter, and he vacuumed and cleaned the entire inside of my car. super grateful for that, because it was a mess in there and i honestly didn't have the resources to even begin to tackle that. but i'm glad he was here to help me with that and just spend some time with me, i think i needed it.

i had a really strained relationship with my father in the past. what with the 3 divorces, moving away, family trouble, and dozens of other things. there's been a lot of conflict and tension in our relationship, but it has improved tremendously in the past 3 years. i'm super grateful for him, because he was the only reason i could have ever made it here to marquette. he drove my car with a trailer all the way up here, came with me to visit to scope it out, gave me money for things i needed. i'm happy i have someone in my life that supports me in the things i want to do and is there to help me no matter what.

so my birthday is next month, and i decided to order myself a custom birthday cake. i'm not really gonna have anyone to share it with, but i feel like i need to do it. get something i really want and enjoy it just for the hell of it. finally have a cake that I want for my birthday, decorated how I want it, flavors that I like. i don't know, just feels like a nice and symbolic way to celebrate my first birthday living alone trying to be independent.

still thinking about things. i've had a lot running through my mind the past couple days, weeks, etc. i feel like every time i make a journal entry here i'm thinking about some shit. i guess that's what i'm best at, thinking and overthinking and ruminating and pondering and -insert synonym of thinking here-. i feel like most of my existence here on earth has been spent thinking about things. it's not a good feeling, really. i think about things to a fault, overthinking until i make myself sick. literally.

i wish some things in life weren't so hard. yeah, yeah, i understand the sweet taste of victory can't be appreciated until you've felt the burn of struggle, but some things just shouldn't be so fucking hard. like, living comfortably shouldn't be so hard, getting an education, making friends, etc. am i even making sense right now.

who even fucking knows, man. who knows why we're put on this earth. who knows what our purpose is. maybe there IS no purpose. but maybe that's the scariest part, that there isn't some deep, profound meaning to why we're here. because that means we need to look for it and make it ourselves. and then how do you know you've found it? it's terrifying to feel like you're wasting time, but not even know what you're wasting your time from.

still been looking at property and the more time goes the more tempted i am to bite the bullet and do it. i'm so tired of like, capitalism. and paying for food and water which are things the earth just gives us for free. living in boxes and having no relationship with nature. it just sucks the soul and life and meaning out of you. it hurts.

i don't know. i need to stop writing or i'm gonna start confessing my sins. i guess i'm done for today friends. goodnight

9/24/2023 ; 1:47PM

well, if you're wondering why my last journal entry just cut off at the very end... i was through writing it while making my dinner, and then decided to take a couple hits of the vape. ended up getting super blasted and played pikmin 4 until 3AM and then went to bed. i just woke up a little while ago, eating some oatmeal for breakfast now.

not sure what i'm gonna do today... i think i may go somewhere and take a book with me and read. i need to stop by walgreens also before coming back home because of course i ran out of toilet paper. tonight i may make some kind of like, risotto with this acini di pepe pasta i have? not sure if it'll work but it should still be delicious regardless. pasta cooked in broth with plenty of milk, butter, and cheese? absolutely.

still been thinking about the future, as always. looking at property up here and it's so tempting because it is so affordable. literally like 40 acres for 30k. that's unheard of anywhere else here. cabins with dozens of acres for 100k. complete with boat dock and lake access. it's crazy, really. the worst part? the mortgage for a lot of these properties would be cheaper than what i'm paying in rent right now.

of course you need to take into account like, maintenance for a home. also utilities, because i don't pay any utilities here in my apartment. however, power for some of these cabins is very simple. some solar panels and a big ol' battery and you're good! i don't know, paying rent for me is okay right now while i still get myself situated to living alone and sustaining myself, but it's very pointless in the long run. you essentially are paying someone else's mortgage with your rent money, which is just sick to think about. all the time and effort i put into making this place a home, and i'm paying for it every month, and it's not even "mine". which is why i'm really trying to like, push through and grind to get rid of all the things i need to pay like credit cards and stuff so i can put that money towards savings. so that when the time comes, i can actually go through with this and buy a property. once i get my tax return next year, i'm gonna put that towards paying things off and the rest is going in my savings. speaking of, i really need to look into investing like i've been saying i would for the past couple months.....

i'm also still waiting to see how i take winter. being that this will be my first winter, it'll be the final test of whether this area is right for me. so far i love it, and i feel like my love for summer and fall here will make the cold winter months worth it to experience that one more time. i don't know, i'm just thinking aloud here.

but anyway, i made a new goodreads account to try and get myself to read more. this video kind of slapped me in the face as far as how little i read. i love buying books and downloading books to add to my digital library, but realistically i never read them! i don't know why, maybe i'm like a dragon hoarding gold but never using it. just keeping it just for the sake of having it. but i realized like, "holy shit if i don't start reading i'll never get to read all these books i have". so on top of the book i have been already trying to read for 7 months (women who run with wolves by clarissa estes), i decided to pick 2 more from my collection to read. i've always sort of had an aversion to reading multiple books at once, since i have a very short attention span and like to put all my focus into one at a time. but, the ones i picked are so wildly different that i could never possibly get them confused. so if you want to add me on goodreads and see what i'm reading, here it is. i'll also probably make a little section in the sidebar here about what i'm currently reading and stuff.

anyway, that's all from me for now. i'm gonna get dressed, take mochi for a walk, before heading out to go chill somewhere. later!

9/23/2023 ; 5:44PM

hoowee... long time no write

it's been a pretty crazy week, but thank goodness it went by relatively fast. had to take a moment to stop here and get a journal entry in because i need to spew lol i condensed all my entries down to little drop downs because it was getting a little exhausting scrolling through all of my entries, especially the lengthier ones. i like the look of this a lot better, more organized.

mochi got a haircut yesterday and she looks great! she had to get trimmed down pretty short because she had some stubborn tangles, but it's good because her haircut will last a lot longer this way. i had to wake up at 6:30 to get there in time, but it was really nice because i got to watch the sun rise over lake superior. it was so beautiful too, like if the sun said "let me make it extra beautiful today since you're actually awake to see it". the clouds were dappled over the sky, the sun peeking through and casting god rays over the lake, the sky tinged orange, yellow, and pink. it honestly kind of inspired me to try and get up earlier so i can maybe go walk on the bike path in town and enjoy the sunrise. even though i'm not really a morning person, i want to try and be since i work so late into the night and don't really have time to do much after work. i just love sleeping so much, it's hard.

tonight i'm making honey garlic chicken. it's just such an easy yet fulfilling and tasty meal. trying to scrape up as much food as i can until i can get groceries next week. i try to only get groceries once or twice a month and make them last until the very end. making up dishes with the last few vegetables and proteins i have. i try to keep at least a bag of frozen chicken breast in the freezer to defrost for a quick meal with either rice or pasta, so that usually keeps me going until i can get more. in between i'll grab a couple things i need for something specific i want to make, like apples or peaches or bread or another specific ingredient. for those, i'll usually go to the farm store since it's cheap for the couple things i want to get.

last night i got culver's to treat myself, since i haven't had a Tasty Treat in awhile. man... it was so damn good. i got a double butter burger with cheese and the works, chili fries, a small dr. pepper, and 2 scoops of chocolate custard with heath bar and butter cake. it was so fucking good, i immediately passed out on the couch after eating it. and then slept in this morning until 12:30.

9/15/2023 ; 7:02PM

hello everyone.

lots of mental anguish lately. you know, the more i go through life and live and see how things are going and the direction society is turning... the more i realize that maybe ted kaczynski was right. well, maybe not with the whole mailing people bombs stuff, but just in general. the only way to really stop the eventual annihilation of humanity via corporate greed and cosmic heat death, is to get rid of the people at the top perpetuating this. and moreso, the fact that technology and the industrial revolution has been a plague upon the earth. we were not meant to live this way. we should not be working just to buy food. we should not have to slave at a minimum wage job and not even be able to afford a home. we should not be going into debt to have a life saving surgery. it's all so fucked up and evil. corporate big wigs playing with people's lives like dolls. sitting in their pools of money being fanned and fed grapes while the average joe makes him more and more wealth. it's just sickening.

is it bad that the more i see glimpses of the news and things on my feed, the more i hear about things that happen in the world... the further away from society i want to go. if i could, i really would go build a cabin in the middle of the woods and forage for berries and hunt rabbits all day. it's a lot better than scrolling instagram for literally 15 seconds. it's horrible really, that society has come to this. it makes me feel hopeless sometimes, like nothing we do will ever be enough to make a meaningful change. not in our lifetime, at least.

i've been thinking a lot about the future lately. like school stuff, life stuff, etc. i'm very content about where i am right now in terms of living arrangements, job, etc. but in thinking about the future, things get a little more muddy. i still feel kind of lost in regards to what i really want. or maybe, i do know, but i just don't have the gall to admit it yet. i don't know. life doesn't always have to be about being the most successful or the most wealthy. sometimes life is just about doing what you can to ensure you're happy and healthy. and sometimes the way to get there doesn't align with what society thinks you should be doing. am i sounding insane?

anyway, definitely need to indulge in some hobbies, but i'm content - for the most part - right now. after everything i've been through, the literal perilous journey to get here, and the work it took to make it possible, i think i deserve my period of rest. my period of peace and comfort and stability. with winter coming, it'll be a good time to reflect and take care of myself. come spring, i'll be refreshed enough to take over the world. literally? no. metaphorically? sure.

fall is beautiful so far. the rainy mornings, the leaves gradually changing color, the cool breeze and chilly nights. i want to make some crafts with leaves this weekend. maybe crochet some more. that sounds like it could be fun. anyway, i think that's enough for me today. take care everyone. do something that makes you feel comforted today. i give you permission.

9/13/2023 ; 11:51AM

good morning!

hoo boy, what an eventful morning it's been! not even to get started today, yesterday the power in my apartment was out since i woke up, so i had to go get breakfast and just chill out before the power came back. i lost a couple hours of work, but i did have some pto saved up so i used some of that to cover the time. but anyway, on to today! i had a doctor's appointment to do my yearly physical, and wow! i have never been to a doctor's office that was so quick and thorough with everything. i had a full family history explanation, pap smear, urine analysis, and blood work all done in an hour and a half. the lady that drew my blood was also the fastest anyone has ever found my vein before, so that was a nice surprise. i just got home a little while ago and am currently eating breakfast. some leftover hash i made on sunday and a fried egg. i couldn't eat anything this morning since i knew i would need to get blood work done, so i'm happy to finally eat something.

that was pretty much the biggest thing i had to do this week, so i'm all set to go for this week! next week is mochi's haircut, so i'm excited to see how she comes out. i let her get a little too long this time, so definitely a lesson for next time to not wait so long between appointments. but she looks soooo cute right now, like a fluffy little muppet baby

this weekend i'm gonna go by the farm store and get some fresh apples! it looks like apple season is finally rolling around, so they have some cool apple varieties. i'm gonna get a couple apples to make an apple crisp, and maybe some squash because those are coming into season too. i'm not a big squash person, but definitely trying some recipes with locally grown produce would probably change my mind. same with carrots! when i first moved here i hated carrots with a PASSION. but after trying some good quality carrots cooked a couple of different ways like in pot roast, stew, stir fry, and honey roasted, they're now one of my favorites! especially honey roasted in the oven with salt, pepper, olive oil, and nutmeg.... very yummy. but yeah gonna check out the produce at the farm store, and also pick up some onions and celery to make the matzo ball soup again! so very very excited for that. it's been chilly and rainy lately so a warm, cozy soup is needed.

i think i'm gonna go hike to the dam again this weekend. but this time, i'll bring my actual camera and take some more """professional""" pictures. i also need to check on the blackberry bush i walked past when i went last time. they weren't ready yet, but they should be pretty much done by saturday. i hope other people haven't gone and taken them all... here's to hoping!

anyway, i start work in a few, so i'm calling it here. later everyone!

9/11/2023 ; 11:01AM

good morning people in my computer.

this weekend was quite nice! on saturday it was mochi's birthday! she officially turned 1 year old... she's growing up so fast. so i took her on a nice walk by the beach, then we went to petsmart and got a couple little things including a new collar, some toys, and treats. she was very happy with the treats, one of them was an apple cinnamon halloween cookie decorated like a pumpkin, it was very cute. but yeah then we spent the rest of the day chilling at home watching tv and playing minecraft. i passed by the dispensary as well and got a couple baggies of different strains of flower to try with my new vape, so that was cool too.

then yesterday, i honestly wasn't gonna do anything but i thought about it for a minute and then said "fuck it, i'm going on a hike". i went to my usual park, but instead of going down the usual trail i go down, i went the other way, and it was such a treat! i ended up hiking the entire 2 1/2 mile loop which goes up to the dam which feeds the falls, and WOW! it was a sight to behold. i'm gonna write a nature entry about it too, because i took a bunch of pictures and found a bunch of cool plants and mushrooms (including ghost pipes!) so that will be coming soon. definitely need to go back with my actual camera and take some nicer pictures, because this trail was amazing and the scenery was beautiful. this time of year is such a nice time, it's not quite fall but it's not quite summer either. the leaves are gradually changing but things are mostly green still, the breeze is cool and it's kind of rainy but there are still very hot days sprinkled through the week. it's just a really nice time.

not looking forward to working today, i slept in really late today and i am very sleepy. really hoping and praying that today isn't busy, because last week was fucking insane. maybe because of the long weekend, it feels like when there's a long weekend all of the work from that missed day just builds up and piles on to the next day. oh well, we'll see how it goes.

on an unrelated note, i wanna thank everyone that has left me nice comments and messages on my neocities profile and my guestbook, it really means the world to me! living in such a rural area, and especially being new in town, sometimes feels a little isolating. it's one of the only downsides to living out here. but knowing i got Real Ones out there on the world wide web makes me feel a little less lonely. so again, thank you all for all of your kind words!

i think that's all from me for now, maybe i'll update again later?

9/7/2023 ; 11:20AM

hello people

long time no write, i know. it's been.... very crazy lately. work yesterday was insanely busy, first time i've ever been genuinely stressed out while working. work most days is very chill and slow, but i don't know what the fuck happened yesterday. it was back to back calls all day, complicated situations, and just overall a lot of shit going on. hopefully today is a way better day.

my long weekend was lots of fun, did lots of cool stuff outside. on saturday i went on a hike to this new park called wetmore pond. will definitely be making a nature blog entry about it, because it was amazing AND i got lots of pictures. mochi also fell into the water and got all dirty and it was very funny, because she also got zoomies and rolled around in dirt and leaves. on sunday we went to the beach. the water of lake superior is SO cold... i could not bring myself to get in further than knee height. but, it was very hot that day so even wetting my legs felt great. mochi got all wet too, we also played lots of fetch on the beach which was fun. it was very relaxing to just lay in the sand and look up at the sky, listening to the waves and just decompressing after all the crazy shit that's happen these past few weeks.

monday i pretty much spent it at home relaxing, my body was incredibly sore and exhausted after all of the stuff i did on the weekend. watched some tv, played some games on the puter, and just chilled out. i also binged the entirety of over the garden wall again. i have a bit of a tradition where i watch over the garden wall ever fall, just because it puts me right in the mood for fall and halloween. it's such a good show, the animation, the music, the story, the symbolism. like HHHHHHH. probably one of my favorite shows ever. if you have not watched it, please do.

not sure what i'm gonna do this weekend. definitely get tons of sleep. since i work so late, i end up going to bed most nights at like 12 or 1 in the morning. not because i want to, but because i don't really have much time during the day to do things since i'm working. but whatever, i'm more of a night owl anyway. but i definitely need to get off the damn phone and go to sleep as early as i can.

anyway, for the this weekend don't know what to do. may go back to wetmore pond? it was so cool, i want to explore it some more. i may also work on the site some more? i've been kind of at a stand still as far as how i want to proceed with my site. i need to make my shrines but i don't really know how to do them. seeing everyone else's sites is so inspiring but daunting to try and recreate something similar. my coding ability is very limited, as you all can probably tell. changing colors and adding text and more or less general html i can manage. but actually creating a layout and divider boxes and tables and stuff? is still super new and confusing for me. but... i guess i must try. i have ideas for shrines i want to make so i guess there's no better time to start than the present.

but yeah, gonna work on writing out the entry for the nature blog, which should take me a bit because i have a lot of pictures i want to share. but maybe i'll write here later? if not, later everyone!

9/1/2023 ; 11:45AM

good morning! busy morning already, had to pick up the groceries i ordered and then spend a good amount of time putting them away, cleaning the produce, reorganizing. finally got a minute to sit down and eat some breakfast. i'm having an everything bagel with cream cheese, smoked salmon, thinly sliced tomatoes, all drizzled with olive oil and a bit of sea salt and pepper. very very tasty.

last night i made split pea soup again! but this time, i actually had the ham hocks to give it that signature hammy flavor. and oh boy, they came out so delicious. i packed it all away in containers and have half frozen in the freezer and the other half in the fridge to eat for the next couple days. very hearty and delicious, and chock full of veggies too.

thank god it's friday, it's felt like such a long week. i've also got a long weekend thanks to labor day, so i'm definitely gonna do something special to enjoy the time off. maybe go to the beach? or on a hike to a new location? i gotta investigate and see what i do, because i really need to get out of the house and spend a good bit of time outside.

tonight, i want to take it easy. watch a movie or a new show, crochet on the sofa, drink some hot chocolate or tea or an alcoholic beverage, and just.... chill. i've been worrying and stressing a lot about bills, my health, and a lot of other things. when really, i shouldn't be worrying about these things because i have been extremely blessed to be given a stable, steady job that allows me to pay my bills, but also be overall healthy and have a clean bill of health. anxiety is wild how it makes you spiral down these holes of despair and fear, all irrationally and not based on reality at all. i know this is all residual trauma i need to work through from not having any control of my body or my finances when living with my family, but i just need to reassure my self that right now, i'm safe. i can take care of myself, i have the power to do things for myself, i have control of what i do with my life and what i spend my time doing. it's really hard, but even a little progress is progress. but tonight, i just need to take time to unwind and remember i'm okay.

not sure if i'm gonna write here again today, but if i don't, i want everyone reading this to know that i love you. even if i've never met you before and our only interactions across this world wide web is me writing this and you reading it. i love you. you're valuable and worthy of love and deserve all the things you want in life. and you will get them, i put it out into the universe. you will be happy and safe.

8/30/2023 ; 12:44AM

today has been... something. i don't know, something just felt weird today and i don't quite know what it is. i've been feeling really weird lately, not in a physical way, but in like an existential and wistful kind of way. a lot has been running through my mind as far as life and where i'm at currently, and where i hope to be in the next few years. i always thought i knew what i wanted to do, but lately i'm not so sure anymore. the more i go through life and experience things here and realize how happy i can be, the more unsure it makes me, and it scares me.

i pride myself on being very organized and thoughtful about the things i do and how i plan things, and feeling like all of my preconceived plans are falling apart just terrifies the shit out of me. because, i spent all of this time planning for something that i thought i wanted, but now everything is changing and it's like "what the fuck do i do now?". i'm not sure if that made sense, but basically feeling like you planned for nothing is a good way to put it. so some context to all of this. my plans for as long as i can remember, have been to get a masters in anthropology/archaeology and work in a museum. and i feel a piece of me still wants that, but the piece of me that is growing in me right now is thinking otherwise. the more i think though about what pursuing that dream would entail, the more it makes me doubt if it's what i really want. the years in school, in depth research papers, living in the city, the MONEY i would need to spend to get through school. the end result is exciting and tempting, but the struggle to get there is not.

so what am i thinking about doing right now? well, i'm glad you (didn't) ask. if money wasn't an issue right now? i'd say fuck it, and live off grid. maybe take a year to read up and learn about what it takes to sustain yourself, identifying edible plants, learning how to farm and hunt. then buy a cabin on 30+ acres of land and just spend my days farming, hunting, and exploring the woods. that is what i want right now. i don't give a fuck about money anymore. or influence, or status, or media, pop culture, etc. living up here has just made me realize that nature really holds everything we need to live healthy, fulfilling, and full lives. it's taught me to appreciate the outdoors, to think deeply about what it takes to sustain a human life, to slow down and not worry about what some tiktok influencer said online.

i'll elaborate more on this tomorrow (technically later today but it's not tomorrow until i sleep), but basically, what i'm trying to say is i'm sort of having a bit of an existential crisis. being pulled by 2 things i love so deeply, but not knowing which way to go. i don't know, maybe i'm tired and just need to go to sleep. i'll update more tomorrow and keep spewing my thoughts here as they come. goodnight everyone.

11:01AM

good morning everyone. reeeeally wish i could have slept in this morning, but alas, i must work against my will. to continue my rant from last night, yeah i'm just thinking about my life and what my plans were and the more i live and grow and change, the more my plans seem to slip through my fingers. i wouldn't necessarily say it's against my will, but maybe for the better? maybe for my long-term well being? i don't know, everything i'm saying sounds like jibberish. anyway, what sparked this whole rant was that i started looking on zillow at homes in the area i live, and houses with a considerable amount of land are still very affordable. sure, definitely some of them are fixer-uppers that need some love like a fresh coat of paint or small renovations, but affordable and with ample land around, like 80-100 acres! it's tempting to feel like something is so close, if only you had the guts to just jump for it.

i'm obviously not going to buy a house here until i experience winter for the first time. being from florida i've only ever seen snow - like ACTUAL snow on the ground - once, and it was in april when i came to visit marquette before moving. that's it. whenever i tell a local that, they burst out laughing, because they go to florida for the winter and always ask me "why did you move up here?". well, florida is a shit show right now, that's why. ron desantis is just doing whatever the fuck he wants, banning books in school just because they're """woke""", lowering taxes for massive corporations while raising taxes for the average person, healthcare changes, housing crises, not to even mention the climate is drastically changing in florida right now. record high summer this year for heat, hurricanes, flooding... like, it is not sustainable living in florida for the long term. which is why i needed to get the fuck out as quickly as possible. besides all of that, it was just not doing me any good living there anymore. constantly anxious because of traffic, crime, and just general city living. working a job i fucking hated with management that ignored all of my begging for a promotion even though i was their top employee. living in a toxic household. it was just too fucking much for me to handle and it was making me sick - literally.

it's funny how when you get used to living in a small semi-rural community, going anywhere remotely populated just overwhelms you. like on my trip to chicago. i don't think i've cried so many times over the course of a few days. definitely cried for more reasons, but being in a overpopulated, crowded, dirty city wasn't helping. it was suffocating.

anyway, as far as college and a career... i don't really know what i want to do anymore. i have a job now that - granted - is not in a field i would have necessarily picked, but it's easy work and ensures me job security. plus, a lot of room for growth and expansion into different roles. and i get to work from home, which is a blessing for the winter time. i definitely want to finish college and at least get an associates, but as far as what to do after that... i don't really know. i love anthropology and archaeology to death, i really do, but it seems like such an overwhelming career to even get started in. all job opportunities as well are in large cities with huge museum collections like, well, CHICAGO. or NEW YORK. or BOSTON. which... right now at least, is not something i want to experience or go through again.

a part of me is thinking about possibly reconsidering art school. all through high school i wanted to go to art school, but as real life started coming around, i realized i would actually have to draw and make art as a job. and once you have to do something for a job, it's no longer fun. as well as the idea of not monetizing your hobbies was a big one as well. and the fact that the art industry is extremely saturated right now and jobs are scarce. but now, 5 years since graduating high school, i don't have the same drive to create like i used to. i barely draw anymore. i have to force myself to create something and i just feel creatively constipated, if that makes sense. so maybe, pursuing art in school would light that spark in me again? and give me the opportunity to maybe start my own business selling things like prints, trinkets, and other items. it's a possiblity.

and yet, that thought of living in the woods and providing my own food, exploring nature, and being more in tune with the natural cycles of the earth is still there. begging me to pay attention to it. literally PLEADING with me to do it. so i don't know. maybe this is what people talk about when they say they can't NOT do something because it'll drive them crazy if they don't. whatever people call it, destiny or fate or your calling. i guess i just need more time to think about what i want my life to look like. maybe i just need to do shrooms again to see things from another perspective. i've been meaning to, but i don't have a babysitter so i kiiiiind of don't want to be out of my mind, screaming to the heavens and sobbing my eyes out with no one to watch over me.

anyway, i think i've ranted here enough, yall are probably sick of listening to me at this point. SIKE!!! this is my website i can do whatever the fuck i want. but i will end it here because my hands hurt. perhaps i will write more later?

5:48PM

i'm back motherfuckers. it is actually pretty chilly outside! it was 54 this morning, but as the day has gone on it's warmed up a bit. still very windy though, and with my ceiling fans it was freezing in my apartment! i had to crank the heater on to at least 65 because i was cold! it makes me excited for the progression of fall and for winter when it finally does come. i'm looking forward to experiencing my first winter, a time to hunker down and enjoy the home, work on hobbies and crafts, cook hearty and fulfilling meals, cozying up with layers and blankets.

i feel like winter gets a bad rap a lot of the time. it's associated with death and scarcity and a time of struggle. and i'm not gonna say it isn't those things, because definitely winter is a challenge. but it's such a necessary part of the natural cycle of growth and decay! birth and death, fertile and fallow. and just like plants that go dormant and animals that hibernate, we too need a time to just "recharge" and recoup after the high energy of spring and summer. traditionally, winter was a time to work on things in the home such as pottery, basketry, weaving, and bonding with your family group in the way of storytelling, feasts and celebrations. many native american groups actually reserve wintertime for talking about their creation stories and mythologies, and don't talk about them any other time of year. i feel like capitalism and modern life has kind of erased this period of rest and regeneration from society, because it's always a constant "go, go, go" attitude all year long. there is no time for rest, no time for hobbies, you need to be working and producing all year regardless of weather and what your body is telling you. this is simply not the case though, and isn't what we've been doing for thousands of years!

for many animals - us included - our bodies are hardwired to notice the changing of the seasons and how to prepare for them. wild horses, for example, eat a ton during the summer in preparation for winter and get extra chunky to both have plenty of fat to keep them warm, as well as the nutrients to produce a good winter coat. same goes for us, we are more drawn to eating carbs, sugars, and fatty food in the winter because they're filling, nourishing, and comforting. all of this to say... winter is a good time to spend cultivating relationships in your life, giving time to your hobbies, and taking care of yourself. physically, mentally, and emotionally. it's a natural time for us to unwind and recharge so that when spring and summer roll around again, we've taken care of ourselves and are ready to get back out there and have fun. the hatred and dread that everyone feels for winter is understandable, but overstated and exaggerated. but what do i know, i'm just a silly former floridian.

anyway, i can't wait to go to bed tonight. i was so exhausted this morning. my alarm went off at 8:30 and i picked up my phone and started watching reels on instagram to try and get myself to wake up, and i passed out again until 9:15. i've been going to bed really late for awhile now, and i don't necessarily like it, but i don't have much of a choice. i work until 9PM, i need to cook, shower, and get other things done before bed, so i just don't have the time. i definitely could work on like, not using my phone when i get in bed so i can go to sleep faster, but i have a problem obviously with using my phone. speaking of which, is it just me or is instagram like extra insufferable lately? like, you go into the comments section of a post (stupid move obviously) and it's people just fucking arguing over the dumbest shit on earth.

there was a reel i saw where these people camped out in namibia to watch these lillies bloom for 4-5 days out of the year, and someone commented "so you camped out with a table and chairs in such a beautiful area just to post it online? so narcissistic" LIKE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT BRO!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS A 10 SECOND LONG VIDEO WHAT DO YOU MEAN!!!! that pissed me off so bad i closed the app and came back to typing out this fucking journal entry. i'm about to uninstall instagram for awhile again because it is absolutely rotting my brain every second i spend on there.

but yeah, i think i'm calling it here.... for now. will i post again later? who knows...

8/27/2023 ; 6:58PM

hello internet people

feeling a little better today. went out to walk with the mochster along the lake, and it was nice to get out and breathe the outside air. it's been getting cooler by the day here, it's feels nice. too bad i'm sick and can't really be spending time outside in the cold. don't want to catch pneumonia! hahahaha..... cough cough, knock on wood anyway, i made a stop at the farm store and got a bouquet of local flowers, some local peaches, smoked ham hocks, and a mix of oyster, lobster, and lion's mane mushrooms. super excited to use the mushrooms for something! i was thinking maybe slicing up the lion's made and sauteing in a pan with butter to serve with pasta like a chicken alfredo? the oyster i'll probably use in an omelette, the lobster.... not sure! i got the ham hocks to use in split pea soup, which i'm planning to make this week after i run out of matzo ball soup.

tonight i'm gonna make an apple fritter bread, so super excited for that! i have a bag of apples i got at target that i want to use up, so it'll be perfect for that. i can't wait until it's actually apple season and i can go to the farm store and get local apples. that will be super super awesome.

while out on my walk, i found the perfect piece of wood to sit on and watch the lake. it was like a rounded out log and when you sat on it, it would rock like a rocking chair. very comfy. i just sat and looked out at the lake, trying to decompress and chill after the crazy week i've had. the sun was out, it was breezy, mochi was running around having a good time, it was just very relaxing to just hear the waves crashing on the rocks. i need to stop by there more often to just let go and meditate (and smoke). it's secluded, pretty, and close to home.

need to schedule an appointment for a regular pcp doctor to finally establish care at a doctor here. same for mochi, she doesn't have a vet up here yet so i definitely need to get on that. i also need to go to the chiropractor... my back is killing me. working on a computer all day definitely doesn't help. but going to the chiropractor feels great. you come out feeling like you got stretched by a taffy machine.

just got done sweeping and mopping the entire apartment. i also got down on my hands and knees and scrubbed the shit out of my shower. it was very yucky, so i'm glad i did that. also have a load of laundry going. feeling very nice and good today.

i think i'm gonna call it a day here. i'm gonna make an apple fritter bread and then spend the rest of the night either crocheting a table runner for my dinner table or folding plastic bags into triangles. either way, goodnight everyone!

8/26/2023 ; 8:48PM

yeeeeah so remember all that talk about being a hypochondriac and having a track record at the hospital? weeeeell yeah, i went to the emergency room today. i was honestly feeling better this morning, but then out of nowhere i started to feel really bad during work and i was like 'uh oh!'. so i took the rest of the day off from work (thank god for pto) and went over there. they did the usual; ekg, chest exam, and actually a strep and covid test this time because apparently my throat was sore. and of course, nothing of interest. so i just have to assume i'm ok unless it gets worse or doesn't go away after another week or 2. which now that i start thinking back to the past week, i remember that i actually got a giant cramp in my left arm last week while picking up my glasses on the floor of my car. and now i'm like hmmmm... maybe i pulled a muscle and that's where my pain is coming from? i'm not 100% sure but i have a hunch.

anyway i am blasted right now eating an apple i wrapped in tin foil with unsalted butter, cinnamon, sugar, and nutmeg and it is a vibe. also have some tea for my throat which feels good. but yeah this apple is a banger, it's like fall in a bowl. may play some minecraft, or maybe watch a movie in bed? don't know but whatever it is, it's gonna be nice.

don't know what i'm gonna do tomorrow. i want to go outside but i also want to relax and chill. i'll see how i feel tomorrow and assess.

8/25/2023 ; 6:23PM

ururhrugug i've been kinda miserable lately, physically and mentally. i've been weirdly sick for the past couple of days. lots of snot in my throat, tight chest, and just feeling not well. i went to the doctor yesterday and they prescribed me this nasal spray and it is so horrible to squirt into my nostrils. not to mention it tastes like absolute ass when it runs down my nasal passages to my throat. i hate being sick because it makes me worry about all the different factors in my life that could have possibly made me sick. did i touch the wrong thing while out in public? did i eat something old? was someone around me sick with a deadly disease? is my apartment infested with deadly black mold?

if you couldn't tell with all of that, i am a major hypochondriac. it's not the first time i've thought i've been dying when sick with just a minor cold or the flu. i sort of have a... track record at the hospital back home for visiting 3 days in a row thinking i was dying of a blood clot in my lung or a brain bleed. i just don't like the idea of feeling sick and not knowing what is going on in my body at any given moment. i would be so happy if i had like. x-ray vision to see inside of my body so i can know what's happening. i think it would ease a lot of my worries. but, for now i am forced to go to the urgent care and hospital and have them run a litany of tests on me to see if i am, in fact, dying. spoiler: i'm not.

only time i was kind of right about my suspicions of being sick with something was when i had mono back in 2020. my ex at the time (that's a WHOLE nother story for a different day) had gotten sick with mono YEARS before we started dating. and of course, forgot to tell me a year into our relationship. so i start feeling sick out of nowhere (this was like, literally a month before the pandemic hit) and i'm thinking i just have the flu or a cold. but after a week and my fever not going away, i'm shitting my pants thinking i have like sepsis or something. so my mom drives me to the hospital and they're taking my blood work and shit, and my liver enzymes are like 3x the normal and i'm like "well i've been taking a lot of tylenol" but apparently that's not enough to make my shit so out of whack. they keep me overnight, i'm hooked up to all these machines, they got me on saline, and it turns out i also have a UTI. so they tell me that and i'm like "oh my god i have a bladder infection".

well, it took 3 days in the hospital for them to diagnose me with mono. i wasn't having the tell-tale symptom of having a sore throat so it wasn't even on their radar until they decided to do it. and that hospital stay was when my fear of needles and having my blood drawn emerged. they had to draw blood from the veins on my hand because they had already pricked me so many times in my arm that my veins were scarred. that was probably the worst experience of my life. but, the hospital food was honestly pretty damn good. it was the first time i had pistachio fluff and it was the most delicious thing i had ever eaten. ngl, i was kind of sad the day they discharged me because the dinner that night was lasagna with some ravioli soup. i was looking forward to that so bad.

but anyway, all that to say that was the only time i was right. and not even in the way i thought i was. but yeah, i don't think my fear of being deathy ill will ever go away, but i guess i can learn to manage it. i've been trying to just calm down and distract myself from thinking about how i feel, because a lot of the time i make myself feel worse just from thinking i'm sicker than i really am. i don't know if that makes sense, but basically your mind is insane and can make you feel anything.

anyway, enough about health and death and stuff. i spent 3 hours last night building my dinner table that FINALLY arrived. it was a hassle and my fingers are sore from spinning the allen wrench to screw all the pieces together, but it is worth it because i finally have a proper table to eat at! this whole time i've been eating hunched over my coffee table on the couch and it killed my back for sure. it feels weird having an actual dinner table now to eat at. but yeah i was exhausted as hell, didn't even take a shower last night and just hit the sack.

tonight i'm making matzo ball soup to see if i can kick this illness i have. i made the matzo ball dough while on my lunch break today, so all i gotta do now is defrost some chicken real quick and get the soup started. i'm very excited, i can already picture how hearty and fulfilling it's gonna be. especially those dumplings, mmmm.... ngl, i could eat soup every day for the rest of my life and not get tired of it. there's just so many different types of soup, for every occassion, every mood, every season. so versatile and so delicious and easy to eat.

anyway, in regards to my site? still currently figuring out how i want to set up my shrines. i want them to be really cool and epic and awesome. still thinking about what to make shrines for. definitely one for my dog. but the other things? not really sure...

but yeah, that's it from me for now. i'll update later maybe. bye bye!

8/22/2023 ; 6:22PM

good evening people in my computer. my period is making everything miserable. work today has been passing pretty quickly but the calls i've been getting are annoying and not easy, so i'm not sure what i would rather: fast but complicated, or slow but easy. starting to get into the groove of working on my site again, haven't worked on any new pages yet but just easing myself into blogging again. i want to make a post on the cooking page because i made this absolutely delicious garlic herb cheese bread, and i just have to share it with yall.

i didn't do much this weekend other than wallow in pain and agony on the sofa and play the pikmin 4 demo. on sunday i did exactly what i said i would do and had an edible and played some star stable and minecraft. i made a cute little cabin overlooking the ocean with a pond. i haven't played vanilla minecraft in ages and i had no idea they finally added frogs! and also pitcher plants which were very cool. i'm thinking about starting to stream again, because it was always fun when i did. maybe start a series where i'm playing games while high? who knows.

tonight for dinner i think i'm gonna make a garlic honey chicken with some rice. i need to eat some meat, all i've been eating lately is just bread and pasta, which is fun for awhile but then it just sucks because you feel bloated and yucky. already made the rice and i defrosted some chicken from last night so i'm looking forward to some actual meat. i need to get a couple little groceries tomorrow like milk and eggs, and with the eggs i can finally make that matzo ball soup i've been wanting to make for weeks. never made matzo balls before so it should be fun.

i haven't been outside in a bit due to the total body aches and pains i've had for the past couple days, but tomorrow i'm definitely going on a walk with mochi. i need to smell the outside so bad, it sucks not getting out but i've just been too physically miserable to bring myself to get up and out. it was raining this morning and it was nice to listen to the rain before my alarms blasted me awake.

speaking of alarms, i really need to try and go to sleep earlier. i've been going to bed at like 1AM thanks to watching youtube videos before bed. but i need to like, really get on that and try to sleep earlier so i don't feel so awful in the morning.

this weekend... thinking about maybe going to the library. take my laptop and work on the site in a different environment. maybe i'll be motivated to get some stuff done being somewhere new. or maybe take my laptop out to someplace in nature and work while sitting under a tree or something? i don't know, just want to chill somewhere alone to get some work done.

you know how you feel when you get home after being away for awhile? like you're coming back to your little safe haven, your little cave that's safe from the world. that's how my apartment - and specifically my bed - feels.

8/20/2023 ; 1:51PM

man... ngl i'm still recovering from my trip to chicago. emotionally, physically, financially, etc. it was a lot, and now that i kind of think about it... there wasn't really much reason for me to go. sure i went to the museum and ate good food, but in the grand scope of things, i didn't really need to go.

whatever, i don't wanna keep talking about that godforsaken trip anymore.

feeling kind of dead today. i think i have a cold? i'm also about to get my period which is always fun, so that could also be accounting for my shitty mood. i also like, burned the back of my throat with this cart i bought at the dispensary? not sure how i managed that, but i'm definitely throwing it out and buying a dry herb vaporizer instead.

not sure what i'm gonna do today. i kind of just want to laze around on the couch and watch tv, but i kind of also want to go outside? at the same time i'm just so physically exhausted that i don't want to move. i don't know, maybe i'll do something outside later or tomorrow if i feel any better. or i'll just eat an edible and play minecraft and star stable all day. who knows.

i need to bake a bread for this week, i haven't made one in weeks. gonna keep it simple and just make my easy, foolproof loaf and call it a night. i also have the ingredients to make a matzo ball soup, so maybe i'll do that just to make something cozy and warm. i do have leftover mashed potatoes and beef stew frozen in the freezer. i had that last night, but it was so tasty i might eat it again.

yesterday i went on my usual saturday evening walk by the lake with mochi, and i ended up talking to some random old lady for like an hour and a half. she was telling me about how she's lived here for like 50-something years and gave me some insight into how the town has grown since she moved. apparently the town didn't extend past the mall. the mall WAS the town. it's really neat to hear about how this town has expanded and the community that has grown here thanks to the university. even though it's pretty secluded and rural, there is still such a progressive and modern scene. it's refreshing, and there are obviously going to be bigots and idiots everywhere, but it looks like they're the minority.

i'm really excited for the fall. the leaves are changing and it's getting a lot cooler at night time. i had to sleep with 2 fuzzy blankets a couple days this week because it was cold, even with the windows closed! i'm so excited though, for the leaves to fall, mushrooms to pop up, apples to ripen up, the farm store's apple cider. i have so many ideas for things to make, pumpkin bread and donuts, apple crisps, fresh steamed corn, roasted squash... and obviously plenty of soup.

honestly, i could eat soup every day for the rest of my life and not get tired of it. there's just so many different kinds of soup, and all of them are good. tomato soup, pho, ramen, chicken noodle soup, split pea soup, french onion soup, broccoli cheddar soup.... hooh...

well, i think i'm done here for today. need to work up the inspiration to keep working on this site. i just find it difficult to blog here since posting pictures is such a process. reminder that i'm still active on my other socials which are linked in the side bar. not so much tumblr these days, but definitely posting on instagram.

but yeah, i'm out. i'll update

8/8/2023 ; 7:35PM

that's the current mood. my trip to chicago was... chaotic at best. i had to drive through downtown chicago in the worst fucking traffic of my life, spent $300 on parking, almost got cussed out, almost hit someone with my car...

sigh

anyway, i guess all things considered it was fun. went to the field museum and it was AMAZING! the exhibits were amazing; every animal you could ever imagine, fossils, crystals, plants, literally every single bird. i wish i could just live inside the museum. it's probably the only reason i would ever visit chicago again.

the food we ate while there was amazing too! we had breakfast every day at this place next to our hotel called do-rite donuts and chicken. i got half a dozen to take with me on the drive and they are amazing. the cinnamon old fashioned? literally heavenly. the chicken sandwiches were good too! tried both the original and the spicy one and they were very tasty, and i'm not a "chicken for breakfast" type of person.

but god, am i happy to be home... was literally blasting music and dancing in the car once i started getting closer to home. it was such a beautiful day yesterday, too. the sun was shining, the trees were so green, wildflowers everywhere. and the leaves already seem to be kind of changing color! some of the trees are starting to turn red at the tips, others are changing to that bright yellow-green. i literally cannot wait for the fall. i want to go pick apples and jump in piles of leaves and look for mushrooms in the forest. oh also apple cider.

gonna make an italian wedding soup tonight because i feel a little sniffly with the change of climates and exposure to millions of people from the past couple days. also got rained on so that probably didn't help. hopefully this will be rich and fulfilling and keep that cold away. got some ginger too so i might make a like, cold blasting tonic. i should post my recipe for that... it works every time.

anyway, think i'm gonna go fishing this weekend. i saved a bunch of potential places so i might finally say fuck it and go. after the embarrassment of the last time, i haven't wanted to try again. but, i need to eat more fish so i'm definitely gonna keep trying until i catch something. if anyone has any good tips for fishing in lake superior please let me know, i am struggling HARD.

but yeah, i'm so happy to be home! i hate getting off my routine and schedule, so did mochi. she had to stay in boarding and you can tell she missed being home. so good to finally sleep in my own bed.

7/27/2023 ; 9:49PM

hurh

so tired.... my back is KILLING me. i'm about to hop in the shower but i wanted to get an entry in. i don't know, i've just been really exhausted lately, probably because my period is still messing with me but yeah. just tired, anxious, achey, sleepy. can't wait to go to bed tonight...

7/25/2023 ; 4:41PM

good afternoon people!

getting up today was... rough. i still feel physically exhausted from my hike on sunday, as well as just general aches and pains from having my period. still cramping pretty bad, all i wanna do is just lay in bed and play animal crossing. which, i have been getting into again!

so a couple months ago i traded in my switch lite to get the regular switch, but as a result i lost my original island. i was pretty upset, but i decided i would embrace the new start and try again. my sister hadn't gotten a switch yet, so she was playing a lot on mine and pretty much finished the entire first half of the game for me. at the time, i was like "oh sweet, she's doing the annoying work for me". but then, when she got her switch and had her island, i didn't really feel motivated to play because like... what else did i have to do?

i was just feeling stuck and hated the game, so i made the tough decision to reset my island and start from scratch again. i think this was the best thing i could have done, because now playing it again is actually fun! i'm having a good time catching bugs and fish to fill my museum, stacking them outside the tent until i have the building made. i don't have any of the original villagers i had, which i'm happy with because i hated all of them LOL so yeah, i'm probably gonna be playing that more.

i'm so hungry right now... i made a baked mac and cheese last night (cooking post coming soon on that), and it came out sooooo good. i can't wait until lunch so i can have a hefty serving of that. i didn't even use a recipe, i just winged it and it came out amazing!

but yeah, not much happening right now. if anything else comes up, i'll update!

7/24/2023 ; 2:42PM

nothing but pain and agony

i woke up with my period this morning, so THAT'S always fun. i'm in a fuckton of pain, i already took some advil so let's hope that fixes it. on top of all the pain and emotional anguish, i was having a crisis regarding an upcoming vacation i'm going on.

my dog needs her bordetella vaccine updated, and since i just moved to this town i haven't taken her to the vet here yet. i needed to have her boarded for this vacation, but the place i was looking at needs her vaccine updated (understandably). worst part is it JUST expired on the 3rd of this month. but anyway, i have called practically every single vet in a 30 mile radius of my town and NONE are available for an appointments. thankfully, i found someone available to board her in the city i'm travelling to. so i guess she's joining me on the road trip!

anyway, i wanted to go to the movies to watch oppenheimer, or at least clean up the apartment, but i am just in too much pain to do anything today. i guess i'm spending the day on the couch watching TV or playing minecraft.

7/23/2023 ; 10:35PM

good evening diary

went on a big hike today and it was great! i'm probably gonna post some pictures in the 'nature' page (if i can figure out how to do this thumbnail thing i found...) but yeah, it was a lot of fun! it was a really big climb up this huge, steep hill that definitely did NOT leave me out of breath... but once i got to the top and went down the trail, the view was SO worth it.

a HUGE river with white water falls, a small stream that ran off to the side, huge trees, giant rockfaces. it was awesome. we crossed the stream thanks to a big pile of logs other hikers have put down as a bridge, and it looked like i was in 'the lost world' jurassic park movie. the ground covered in moss, leaves, gnarly tree roots...

i really hope i can figure out the picture situation because i really want to share these. i took my camera with me so the pictures came out so nice! i rested by the riverbed for a bit and got some pictures while mochi wandered around and jumped onto rocks and drank from the river. i got her a brand new leash that is 30 feet long and she LOVED it. she was running around, hopping over fallen trees, sprinting through fields and climbing down the path like she's a pro.

after exploring most of the area, we went back up to the hill and walked down this other grassy area. there was a giant water pipe with a bridge over it that led down to this other area, but honestly it looked a little sketch so i went back LOL after that i drove back to town, stopped by the farm store and picked up some eggs, milk, and mead (which is AMAZING) and baked some whole wheat banana bread which is currently cooling down in the kitchen. gonna see if i also post some pics of that in the 'cooking' page along with some shots of the beef stew i made for dinner last night.

not sure what i'm gonna do tomorrow. the last day of my weekend is usually for cleaning and cooking to prepare for the week, but i kinda wanna go watch oppenheimer in the theater. i haven't been to the movies in a minute, and it'll give me a chance to check out the one here in town. but yeah, that was my day today. super fulfilling and it was nice to feel the sun on my skin!

7/22/2023 ; 1:22PM

good afternoon fellow people in my computer

today has been an average day of work (yes i work saturdays), lots of voicemails and just chilling around honestly. i get off early today so i'm gonna take that time to go to the bike path by the lake and take the mochster for a walk. my ass hurts so bad i need to do something other than Sit.

not sure what else i have planned for this weekend, i have sundays and mondays off like a regular weekend so i gotta see what i do. i may go on a hike? i want to take more pictures with my camera and get some sun. that's the only downside of working from home, you don't really get out much but the flexibility it gives me is worth it.

3:06PM

just had lunch and made myself another thai tea boba as a tasty treat. gonna make a beef stew for dinner tonight and i am EXCITED. it's been a minute since i last made it, but i've finally got all the ingredients to make it again. perhaps... it is time to make a blog page for my cooking?

4:46PM

man, the weather just changed out of nowhere. it was super sunny and bright outside, and now it's storming so bad my power flickered for a second. the thunder sounds super nice and soothing, though. but, i guess there go my plans to go to the bike path after work. unless the rain lets up by then.

i also made the cooking page! i'm still trying to figure out what the best way is to post photos on here, so i don't know if there will be any for the beef stew i make tonight. but once i figure it out, i'll definitely post some! i need to figure it out anyway because i eventually want to make a page for my art and photography, and i'm definitely gonna need to know how to post pics.

i'm gonna run to the store real quick after work and get some packets of instant mashed potatoes and milk to have my beef stew with. i really wanna go for a walk with mochi but this rain and thunder is pretty crazy.

7/21/2023 ; 6:29PM

oh boy... today has been quite the day LOL

so i had a huge scare earlier today with my site. i was making some edits to some pages and i reload my site in a new tab, and my index page had been COMPLETELY reset to how my site looked a week ago. it even did it on my phone and i was TERRIFIED. i had to end up deleting all of the css in the file and pasting it back in for it to finally update. but it scared the crap out of me.

then, while i was eating lunch there was a WASP in my apartment... of course i had to kill it myself, i live alone so there isn't anyone to kill bugs for me. it started flying all over the place and i had like hot sauce on my hands from my burrito and it was just... a mess.

that's not all. as i'm editing my site now, i'm making changes to one of the pages and nothing is updating. so now i'm just making all of my edits in codepen before pasting into neocities just so the site isn't overloaded with changes. it seems to be working and the changes are loading in faster so i think it's working.

anyway, i've done a lot today so far and i think i'm gonna keep working on it for the rest of the day. i don't know, now that i've got a decent understanding of what i'm doing and how this works, it's actually kind of addicting. well maybe not addicting but it's just fun!

8:48PM

this training i've been in at work for this week has been soooooo boring and slow. we're currently listening in to our trainer take calls, but the queue is so dead it's like 40 minutes in between calls. but it's good at least, because it's how i've been able to work on the site all day. i just hate sitting at a desk, my ass is killing me right now and i want to just walk around.

i really hope i don't get a call last minute like yesterday. after all the scares and freak outs from today, it's the last thing i need.

thinking about what i want to eat for dinner. i had a really big lunch so i'm not really even hungry, so not sure what i'm gonna do. may just have another piece of toast and maybe a thai tea? i got these little instant boba packets at meijer and they have literally changed my life. you just pour out the packet into a cup, microwave for 30 seconds, and it's literally brown sugar boba. i have these instant thai tea powder packets and the combo is.... perfect.

7/20/2023 ; 9:14PM

first entry on the site! this deserves celebration

anyway, i'm really happy and proud of myself for persevering and actually getting some work done on my site. it was really rough gathering up the motivation and energy to finally just get started, but i did it!

i've been in this training for work and we literally just sit here and do nothing all day. like, literally nothing. which is why i've had all this time to work on my site, because i have nothing better to do! currently sitting on the floor in front of my desk because my butt hurts from sitting in my chair for so long.

i can't wait for the weekend, i really want to go on a hike and possibly go swimming in the lake if the weather is warm enough? it's been kind of cool and rainy these past couple of days, but it looks like it may warm up these next couple days.

oh my god, i just got a call out of nowhere for work and i usually never get any at this time and it scared the crap out of me! i jumped up from the floor and had to try and speak as calmy as i could because it just caught me off guard.

but yeah, i don't really have much else to write for today. it's been a pretty average day for the most part, just really slow.

see you all tomorrow!