thoughts and feelings

08012026 - life catch-up and current state of affairs

well, long time no see huh. it has been a pretty hectic and crazy summer. lots of trips, adventures, and just general things to do. summer is so short here in the UP that you kind of feel forced to pack it up with fun things to do to take advantage of it. because before you know it summer is over and then The Frozen Wastelands arrive.

it's been a very... i guess you could say "insightful" period of my life these past couple months. both physically and spiritually. i've had a stint with various illnesses and conditions in a short amount of time, most timed around when i came back from buffalo camp and the month or two after. what i think was a weird strain of COVID and some really bizarre immune responses like a swollen eye and sores on my feet (look up covid toes if you dare, it's fucking wild. i didn't even know this was possible). then a long week of strep throat where i was so exhausted i couldn't keep my eyes open. that, combined with suspected spiritual purge (i will get into this later), and it's been a hell of a time.

add to that stresses at work from a less than useless coworker, and i was kind of going nuts. i was getting that familiar itch to escape somewhere. run off into the woods and live in a canvas tent. the usual that i'm used to experiencing. but this time, it felt a little different... because i had seen something that i didn't think was possible and the world was feeling so scary, and so oppressively evil, and like there was so much more for us in store that was being held beyond our reach. i felt so trapped and so stuck that it felt like nothing else was worth it, that all of it was a lie and fake.

i started again with job searches and reading and researching, anything to try and get me out of this situation. this world that was going to collapse at any minute. i found a very cool looking job at the tribal center by our house and i was so dead set on taking it. i manifested it so fucking hard. an environmental position i had absolutely zero experience in. i manifested it so hard that i actually got the job interview. and for some reason, that was what slapped me across the face with a realization. 

is this really what i wanted? did i want this, or did it just seem like an out from a kind of shitty situation? i work from home, i don't have to drive anywhere or get dressed for work. sure, my coworker was annoying and never there, but i still had so much free time. i would be taking a pay cut and actively losing money doing this new job i applied for. was the life my partner and i built together not worth it? it's always at the precipice of all these big decisions that i have all these realizations. i didn't actually want this job, i wanted the idea of it. i wanted freedom from my current situation, and this job felt like the solution.

so i didn't go to the interview. it hurt me a little bit, just from the possibilities and the unknown of what could have come from that. it felt like a waste because i manifested it and then let it slip away. but it just wasn't meant for me. a week goes by, and lo and behold... my coworker quits, and someone i actually know and like at my job takes his place. it's been smooth sailing ever since. this was the sign i needed, to learn how to settle down. i've always felt like i've been running either from something, or towards something bigger. never relishing in the moment of where i am or putting down permanent roots. always in search of the next big thing. now, i'm trying to learn how to enjoy where i'm at, enjoy the small moments, be grateful for the things i do have and actually take part in the journey at its own pace.

ever since going to camp, and doing a trance meditation where i had visions more vivid than when i did psychedelics, something shifted. i was always sort of aware of the greater forces beyond our perception, but this time i had confirmation that what i thought was beyond my understanding, was inside me and around me all along. all i needed to do was tap into it and be open to the experience. i try to be very measured and grounded when reading and learning about other people's spiritual experiences to avoid the slippery slope that is religious psychosis (which i think is misunderstood in and of itself but anyway), but the things i've had happen to me since go beyond my initial realm of understanding, and from what i have learned are my intuition and sharpening of psychic senses.

touching trees and immediately being filled with grief or joy or calm. the pattern recognition. having dreams about my great grandmother, and finding out my living grandmother also had a dream about her the same night. the clear confirmations in divination. the synchronicities one after another. quantum entanglement. alchemy. these are all real, tangible things that have a considerable impact on your life, and it's something everyone - yes, even you reading this right now - can use and learn. it's an innate human sense that has been beaten out of you.

as for spiritual purging. it's thought that upon a great spiritual experience, the physical body reacts with purging. out with the old, in with the new. the timing of my illnesses, and everything else that was going on at the time, i believe are at least partially due to everything i was realizing and releasing of prior religious trauma. i haven't been sick since and am getting stronger every day. i've gotten much more into herbalism, as in foraging my own herbs, gardening them, and stockpiling from trusted sources, and it feels awesome making my own concoctions for different things.

i don't think i ever discussed this here when it was relevant, but last october i got diagnosed with fatty liver disease. something that i learned most of the population has to some varying degree. but, my liver enzymes were high enough to warrant doctor's telling me i needed to work on getting them down. i went down a rabbit hole of researching people's experiences, medical studies, all of it. i started working out and completely overhauled my diet. in 4 months i lost 20 pounds, and i was feeling really good. but, this also opened my eyes to all of the shit people eat and how it's sickening what fast food places try to feed us. i can barely eat out anymore without feeling sick to my stomach. i relapsed in exercise due to all the illnesses and a flare-up of chronic back pain, but i'm slowly working back up to my usual routine.

all of this to say... take care of yourself. your body and your soul. take care of yourself in these times of uncertainty and the government literally trying to kill us all. go outside. sit up against a tree and just listen. what comes up in your mind? what is it saying to you? how does it make you feel? when you water your plants at home, do they seem to tip their leaves to you in thanks? tell them they're beautiful, they'll thank you all the more.

i don't want to get too crazy here, because i have big plans for the spirituality page, but i think people need to realize they have the ability. you have the power to make change in your life. you have the capability of putting your attention to the things you love and care about, and making positive change. the world is a scary, dark place right now. but it needs your love and care now more than it ever did. use your magic against the evil in the world. the more good there is out there, the less evil there is.

anyway, besides that, i've had to travel quite a bit (to my disdain), and still have a couple trips upcoming, but i'm trying to find the time to chill in between. my partner loves the travel and the endless plans and arrangements, and i'm just like "PLEASE i want to sit on my couch!!". but it's all in good fun, and i do enjoy it. i just get overwhelmed quick and need to snuggle my puppies to recharge my battery.

but, i think i'll call it here for now! big things are coming to the spirituality page, so stay tuned for that. also. i've really been getting into canned fish, and i'm almost wondering if i should make a whole section for it. i've been keeping the boxes and glueing them into my journal to rate them all and keep track of the ones i really like. please let me know if this is something anyone would be interested in? i know it's a pretty niche subject, but i recently went to chicago and spent more money than i care to disclose on some fancier cans... so i think it would be pretty fun to share!

04012026 - the issue with "leave no trace"

at most national parks and nature areas, there will always be a disclaimer to "leave no trace". obviously, this is meant to mean to pick up your garbage, don't destroy the environment, all great things to remember. but, i feel like many people take it to a huge extreme, intending for nature to be this pristine, untouched expanse of wilderness. land that hasn't been "corrupted" by the touch of humanity. i could argue though, the human touch has never NOT been in our wild spaces.

hominids in general have been around for millions of years, and are just as much a part of the ecosystem as any other animal. we have our place and our function in the food web, even if it's become corrupted in the current timeline. this doesn't mean modern industrialized society hasn't done its own share of irreversible damage. but those signs at national parks aren't addressing the mass corporations, they're addressing the individual. while individuals in and of themselves can cause a lot of damage, we shouldn't ignore that the vast majority of pollution and destruction of nature is by these megacorporatinos. this is like how oil and gas companies lobbied to advertize recycling ads, throwing the blame on the average person, as opposed to picking up their own mess.

i'm currently reading robin wall kimmerer's "braiding sweetgrass" (amazing book by the way), and in a survey of her class, none of her students could name a positive effect that humanity has had on the environment. i think this is because of two things though. it may be because of the inundation of bad news and being surrounded by the ill effects our species has had on the environment: oil spills, urban heat zones, deforestation, etc. etc. etc. but also, it's a testament to this colonial idea that nature needs to be pure, untouched, and completely barren of humans to be at it's optimal peak. like we're simultaneously above it because we no longer "depend" on it, but also not worthy of it. this completely ignores indigenous systems of stewarding the land, working with nature to nourish and nurture the landscape around them. working in tandem with natural systems to sustain not only their villages and communities, but the surrounding environment.

back to the topic of "leave no trace", there is physically no way to not leave a trace. when we walk, we leave wallows that would have never been there. crush blades of grass, bend flower stems. we overturn stones that may have never been moved for the next couple years. our shedding hair leaves new material for birds to nest, a piece of us forever living in their bedding. if we camp, our fires leave coals and ashes to seep into the ground and provide a small shot of carbon to the surrounding trees. if you're one to piss in the woods, that's fertilizer. everything we do, whether intentional or not, leaves a mark. and i don't think the solution is to completely remove ourselves from the natural sphere. in fact, i think it's our duty and responsibility to the environment to tend and maintain and nurture it.

i had heard somewhere, that when colonizers first began exploring the forests of the northeast, they were shocked by the sheer amount of natural sources of food. natural "game trails" framed with berry bushes, trees heavy with fruit, rivers overflowing with fish, plentiful wildlife. they thought they had stumbled upon the garden of eden with how bountiful the forests were. so of course, when they drove out the indigenous populations, they thought they were set with a natural source of food. but little did they know, the reason the forests were so bountiful, is because those indigenous people were actively tending the woods. weeding, maintaining, watering, propagating. it didn't happen all on its own.

nature was never meant to be devoid of us. we were always a part of it. and despite how many people and institutions want to convince you that it's better off without us, we were always there. our species has done some horrible damage to the ecosystem, but that doesn't mean we can't also take care of it. i know this is so, so hard to say when it feels like there is literally no hope with the way the world is going right now. but the small things you can do to help your immediate environment makes so much of a difference. start that pollinator garden, put some bat houses in your yard, start a pond, tend to a mushroom patch in your local woods. the nature outside isn't going to get better without your help, and it will return the favor.